that was getting too be too long, and while im still on the topic of my self destruction im switching gears to the boy.

i missed the sex and the city episode where carey donned the object of her affection with the name big, whose name is actually jon as you learn on the last episode. is it the obvious, that hes well big, or is it just his big shot attitude.... in any event, my boy needs a nickname, dont get me wrong my dear sarah, king of the ninjas is highly appropriate and entertaining, but i need something thats a few less syllables and that i can say with a straight face.

i dont know why or how he is at the root of this self destruction, but he is, and through no fault of his own. he actually treate me better than any male ive ever been involved with. how many males are there, that when youre talking about what they would like to change about your sex life say that they want you to feel more confident about yourself? ive never been with him and had him not comment on how he doesnt understand the root of my self consciousness.

im afraid of him, and how i feel about him. this has been going on since halloween, and we are still not officially anything, although we have come to the agreement that we are exclusively not officially anything... yet i want to be with him...indefinitely. and no matter how crazy and infatuated ive ever been, i dont believe that i have ever seriously wanted to be with someone in that way. i just feel that we complement one another so well, sometimes i wonder how we even get along, we are two such different extremes in so many ways, yet we balance one another and seem to be working somehow. over the break in a totally unrelated to us conversation, he told me that he didnt want to be a jerk, but that he wasnt sure he was what i was looking for. ya know what? hes absolutely right, yet now that ive found him, hes all that i want.

but hes who he is, and hes not a fan of the whole relationship thing. as i like to say hes emotionally broken, so many things that he does and thinks just completely boggle my mind, yet he fascinates me, and because its so different than how i am i often admire it. its going to take a really amazing person to get through to him. i want so much to be that person, to make him feel something hes been avoiding his whole life, and sometimes i think its happening, but so much of the time im unsure. ive always had a knack for attracting jerks, and idiots, and in general not guys any normal self respecting female would want. take my peter for example. hes not even attracted to me in a sexual or romantic way, we're just good friends, and i honestly do love him, but hes not exactly going places in life. yet he seems to get me, and we just connect so well and being with him is always so easy, i never worry that hes forgotten me or doesnt care, even when i dont hear from him, and other than sue, i believe that he is the person who has seen me at both my best and my worst and knows me inside and out. until this new boy, he was the only guy whod ever successfully handled my moods and tantrums. i actually tried explaining this to the boy, but failed miserably because i did not know what i was even trying to say, but ive always been afraid i think that pete would be the only guy who ever truly got me, and it worried me bc one {not to sound like an ass} i never understood why only someone like him could understand me, why the motivated college bound boys never could, and two because he never did like me or see me in any other way as a friend, no matter how much i tried to spell things out for my bfs pete always understood me better, and i know that him and i arent meant to be together and could never work, so why could he do something no boyfriend ever could

that was a bit of a tangent, but the point is that i constantly wonder if im strong enough or even worthy enough to be the girl that he lets in. and hes never done anything to make me feel unworthy, but i keep feeling that im not good enough to deserve him. so i believe that this self destruction, which is probably occuring on more levels than i can comprhend, but im focussing on the physical, this destruction is my way of proving myself....and if i cant prove myself with it, then i can push him away with it. but hes not getting piu

just to inform you all...not there are all that many of you, but lets keep it that way.
it's 2007, has been for 24 days now i reckon. last yr and semester ended on a bit of a down note, i spent finals week trying to fix what i spent a semester destroying, and then the break was spent alone far too often, which is always the culprit of my depression, which i have been having more bouts of then i care to recount.

all i have done in the 24 days of this new year is self destruct

i decided to hold off a year on applying to grad school, i know that it is the right decision because i am so unsure that it would be insane to throw away tens of thousands of dollars on something i do not feel strongly about. also, if i didnt get in it would only further my downward spiral, and my grades are so much better now than they were in high school, and i feel that i have people who will write me very good recommendations, but i do not have time to make my applications and my recs the best they can be, and it would just be idiotic of me to put myself in a position where ill get rejected bc there simply wasnt enough time to do it right. i sent my dad an email today informing him of my decision....we shall see what happens, im very nervous about his response. im 21 yrs old, its probably time i stop putting so much stock in earning my fathers approval, but i cant help it. but even though i know i am making the right decision by waiting to apply, i cant help but feel a sense of failure bc i couldnt get my act together in time.

im starting to fight with my weight again. i went to the doctors on friday, i weigh 119, thats 4 lbs more than a yr ago, and a yr ago i thought it was too much. i want to be betwenn 100 and 105. of course now its freezing outside and i cant bring myself to walk to the gym. im back to diet pills hard core, part of my self destruction. i went out with an old friend tonight for dinner, it was nice, but i ate the most calorie ladden thing on the menu, delicious but horrible.

Why is my non-relationship so much healthier than any of the relationships ive ever been in? is it because its not officially a relationship? when i hear that word, and enforce those titles, do i change and not even know it?

and while this may be healthy, it is certainly difficult. im indecisive. and i think that being in those unhealthy relationships fostered this indecisiveness bc i really wasnt forced to make any decisions, and if i was, i was deciding in the best interest for my significant other, not for myself, which is much easier for me to do. i can make decisions when theyre not my own. but he puts me on the spot, asks me what i want, from what i want to drink to what i want in life.

i have my most difficult exam in 14 hours and i have yet to start studying... the professor gave us a study guide with possible questions, which would normally constitute a good thing, except in this case it's a sixty page study guide of questions...i've seen more useful things in my life.

ive been doing patternmaking work all day and all that i actually accomplished was drafting my skirt, it still needs to go into muslin, be fitted, have a matching coat, and be put into fashion fabric. yeah like thats happening anytime soon.

then theres the boy, who im obviously not seeing tonight. he has an exam too anyway. but i tried calling him and he didnt answer which is rather disheartening. i was doing patternamking at lauras till a little while ago, and i have to pass his street to come home, and i was stopping at the cumbys across from his street to stock up on the necessary studying suppiles ie energy drinks and chocolate. i had half a box of pizza hut pizza and a couple breadsticks too, bc thats what laura and i split for dinner. so i thought id stop by, see how his studying was going, give him some of the food bc i tend to forget to eat leftovers anyway, and then be on my way, not only do i desperately need to study, but im meeting jenna in a bit too, so i couldnt stay even if for some masochistic reason i wanted to. but he didnt answer and that makes me sad, i hope its just bc hes studying, but i dont know. it kinda made me sad that when he left today {for the second time, first for an exam, then he came back and then i fell asleep again and he left} but he always wakes me up to say bye and this time he didnt. things seemed to be going well too. on friday he called just to say hi, which made me happy bc i missed him since i hadnt seen him in like 2 days, silly i know. then the next day i came over, he plopped me on his lap and i gave him a hug {not an uncommon hello occurrence} and he was all happy and said he had needed a hug. and i thought last night was good too, he had an early exam today, but he thought {rightfully so} that i was lonely so he let me come over just to go to sleep, and he was really cuddly all night. maybe hes just preoccupied with exams today. just annoying timing, hes just finishing up, tomorrow afternoon is his last exam, and im just getting into my crunch mode. hopefully things are happier before the break happens.

i suppose i have procrastinated enough and should go start the studying

Well I think things with the boy in question are good? But who really knows for sure, at 21 years old I still stand firmly by the belief that men, ahem boys, truly are from another planet, one with an entirely different socialization process, if any at all.
I've had a slight obsession with coco chanel quotes this semester. When i was in my earlier situation, the closest i've ever become to being the "other woman" {hopefully the closest ill ever come} and there was a quote i found from chanel that troubled me for several reasons. one bc i felt it applied to me in that situation, and two bc i feel that it is probably true and thats altogether unfortunate

"Jump out the window if you are the object of passion. Flee it if you feel it. Passion goes, boredom remains.”

Not to say that it's already old, but this quote gave me a bit of comfort when i came across it again today. I think the situation that I am in has a happy medium of passion and "boredom" and by boredom i mean comfort. Silly little things that happen, that happen without a big production make me feel as though this is headed to a more stable place. The frequency of the forehead kiss has increased and occurs with more ease it seems. The same is true for the random kiss that is just a kiss, not a lead in to a make out session. Sometimes in a relationship {not that im in a relationship or anything} this is the time for panic bc the spark is going away. But I dont feel like that is whats happening. i think something is being gained rather than something going away.

The boy also has a keyboard. He played/sang a song on it today, he plays it a lot, but ive never heard him sing it, i was laying on the bed, well sitting, and he told me that i could fall asleep to it, which of course i didnt, but thats not the point. he printed it, and the date is before i even met him, some time in september. but i liked it, and he played it and then came to the bed kissed me on the head and held me. Someone needs to sit me down and explain to me what the difference is between this and a relationship.

{SONG}

Tomorrow used to be a day away
Now love is gone and youre into someone far away.
I never thought the day would come
When I would see his hand, not mine,
Holding onto yours because I could not find the time.

Now I cant deny
Nothing lasts forever
I dont want to leave
And I see the tear drops in your eyes
I dont want to live to see the day we say goodbye

Now there comes another part of life that I call alone
Sitting at a bar with chris
And I cant leave cause my house aint no home, no.
I just wanna touch you girl
I wanna feel you close to me
Without your love I would give up now
And walk away so easily.

So maybe while youre young
Well figure out together
That even with the pain, theres a remedy
And well be all right
I dont want to live to see the day we say goodbye.

When I first met you I couldnt love anyone
But you stole my dreams and you made me see
That I can walk under the sun
And I can still be me
And now I cant deny nothing lasts forever.

But I dont want to leave and see the teardrops in your eyes
So baby while were young lets figure out together
That even with the pain theres a remedy
And well be all right.
I dont want to live to see the day we say goodbye,
We say goodbye, oh goodbye, goodbye.

They say sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but how do I know when its something more?

The high yesterday was thirty degrees before the wind chill was factored in. I hate the winter time, being cold, not being able to wear flip flops, buying gloves and losing them, and not being able to drink iced coffee. Be it the cold, or the change in caffeine levels, or even feeling ugly and bundled up, the winter depresses me like nothing else. If i'm not around people I feel alone and like I want to disappear, and if I am, I'll often feel left out. It is impossible for me to motivate myself the entire season because I don't even want to get out of bed; which is going to be extra problematic since I haven't been depressed this semester and I was already sucking at the motivational thing.
I feel as though this plays a huge part in me sticking in horribly doomed and unhealthy relationships. I spend a good half of the year feeling horrible about life and myself, and while the people i am with are not necessarily making me happy, they are preventing me from being alone and that's all that matters. If you havent noticed, the boys that are horrid to me that i stay with, i tend to be with constantly, every second not spent in class or with family was with them. In retro spect, I, of course see that this was a waste of time, but while its happening, as much as they may have been hurting me and making me miserable, the thought of being alone was still so much more painful, and they knew how to play on that.
Now to the thought that prompted this whole thing. Up until this point in whatever this situation I have gotten myself into is, I have been very proud of myself for not being needy, but let's face it I often am. Friday night I was, and it sucked, and it was obvious. After I realized I thought of offering a casual apology the next time we speak, just like "hey sorry, not sure what came over me." But the more I thought about it, the more I realized what had come over me, this crazy lonliness I experience for most of the winter. I could still apologize, but I know itll keep happening so why bother apologizing and acting as though it's just a one time occurrence. Yet at the same time I dont want to tell him either, because thats an awful lot of baggage to throw on a person.

Current Mood: melancholy

When I went home over the last school break, my mother asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told her that I was casually seeing/dating someone I had met at a friend’s party several weeks earlier. At one point in the conversation, she asked me where we went out to eat. Wondering why she was asking that, I told her no. This led to a series of questions on her part, asking what we did together, where we went, well wasn’t I ever hungry when we were together? Next, she attempted to understand what I meant by “casually” seeing him. How often did we talk? Everyday. Well, how often does he call you, does he call you more often then you call him? Another raised eyebrow look from me, as I explain that we rarely talk on the phone at all, but online. She finally came to the conclusion that our interactions were weird. Looking at my peers, I know that they are not. However, she got me to thinking about our generation’s definitions of relationships, hooking up, and friends with benefits. We like to think that with our new technology, and openness to all types of relationships that we are superior to our parent’s generation, but are we?
In his essay, “Whatever Happened to Teen Romance,” Benoit Denizet-Lewis explores this transition from the more formal dating, to the casual hookups young people today are participating in. Denizet-Lewis presents a causal relationship between the internet and the demise of teenage dating; claiming that it “offer[s] teenagers an unparalleled level of privacy, [which] make[s] hooking up that much easier.” According to Denizet-Lewis, the last time young people showed this little interest in serious relationships was in the 1930s and 1940s, however, this came to an end with the onset of World War II, when it was believed that there would be a shortage of potential husbands, because all of the men were being shipped off to fight in the war. This begs the question, what social phenomenon occurred to change the way adolescents view dating?
Denizet-Lewis’s answer of the internet is a valid one. The internet is probably the biggest social change to have occurred in our lifetime. Today it is virtually unavoidable. Those who use it regularly, combined with cell phones, are in constant communication with one another. Yet, at the same time, this type of communication is far less personal, and some would argue healthy. In his work entitled, “What Adolescents Miss When We Let Them Grow Up in Cyberspace?” Dr. Brent Staples, makes the important point that “teenagers nowadays are both more connected to the world at large than ever, and more cut off from the social encounters that have historically prepared young people for the move into adulthood.” Denizet-Lewis found in his research that the same teenagers who are hooking up and shunning dating today, do plan on having monogamous relationships and marriages when they are in their twenties and thirties. However, one has to wonder that if the vital socialization they are missing by communicating so much through emails, instant messages and text messaging, will negatively impact these relationships they plan to have in the future.
I agree that the internet has had a huge affect on the lack of formal dating for teenagers today; however, I do not believe that this is the only reason. There is something else that our generation grew up with that our parents did not. Many refer to today’s adolescents as the technology generation, I also think we are the caffeinated generation, but, more importantly, we are a generation raised by divorced parents. It seems that more teenagers today have separated parents than don’t. Both Dr. Staples and Benoit Denizet-Lewish ponder how, without ample face to face interaction, how today adolescents will learn how to have healthy relationships later. While this is a valid question, I propose another, how can adolescents who do not see healthy romantic relationships in their own homes, ever be expected to mimic them, or even want them?

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Garbage

I have never been fond of the idea of playing games in the ultimate game of dating. As you can see, I freely admit that dating is a game, we are all players, and we all play by our own rules - some people's rules require them to play games. The most popular game, or shall we say strategy in the dating game is the hard to get play. I have always hated this particular play. I think it is dumb to deny yourself to be with someone for the sake of making them want you more. However overused, this is a mighty dangerous play, because you risk the person believing you truly are not interested, and thus moving on before you find a way to reverse the play. I am on the opposite spectrum, always available, always mothering people and wanting to be social and feel useful. Recently I thought about giving this play a try though. It would be hard for me, but interesting to see what happens, not to mention my school work would probably improve. Yet I worry about the repercussions. When someone is not looking for a relationship, out of the usual fear, as well as worrying about the time committment, is it best to stick to my usual play, since so far it seems to be working. Or is it better to try to step back and hope the person in question will realize they miss my presence? I've heard arguments for this last option, but my counter is that if the person is already cautious, and confused by my sudden withdrawal, will it only serve to reiterate all their previous fears about relationships? Will they realize how much they have come to need me...and if they do will they resent it if I go away, but welcome it if i continue in the current manner? As I was debating this, with my surprisingly large Frank Sinatra collection playing on iTunes, what should come on by All The Way...."When somebody loves you it's no good unless he loves you all the way - When somebody needs you it's no good unless he needs you all the way" Perhaps good ol' Blue Eyes is trying to tell me something here. Why is it that in the dating game, we put ourselves on the bench in an attempt to win MVP?

Current Mood: sleepy

Everyone has that person, the one who got away, or the one person you always wondered about and compared everyone too. Does that ever go away, and what does that mean? Is it just some childhood hang up that you hide away with the ideas of the knight on the white horse? Or does it stay with you forever, hindering all of your relationships. Can you ever just accept it for what it is, or should all of your future significant others live in constant fear of being replaced by them, and living in their shadow? I've liked my fair share of boys in my lifetime, perhaps more than my fair share, but I am not sure I have that guy, I don't really compare the guys I date to one other person, I have no one that raised the bar that no one else can reach. Perhaps that's significant, I've had long term relationships, but I never saw them lasting forever, even though I seem to like the long termness. I get attached very easily, and share things quickly, but I do it so easily, that it doesn't mean anything...like I'm overcompensating for my lack of true emotional attachment by putting so much effort into going through the motions that mimic real attachment.

I hate the phrase girl power. I am a girl, so this may seem a little silly, I'm not overly traditional or conservative. As most young women in today's society I am in complete support of continuing the fight for women's equality. And no I do not have anything against the Spice Girls, who seem to be given credit for the infamous phrase {although I am sure it was coined long before them}.

Women deserve more equality, respect, and money in the workplace, etc. since we are just as {if not more} capable than our male counterparts. However, women will never have complete control or power. The bubble gum phrase "Girl Power" is supposed to represent this happy naive concept of females sticking together, being capable individuals, and not letting a boy destroy you or a friendship. But really ladies, who are we kidding, whether you want them to or not, boys have the complete control, and it's all in the emotions department. How a boy, be it potential, toy, or lover, treats you will make or break your day. Guys never bomb tests because they were too upset to study. Nor do they stay up all night not doing their work, and not caring, so that they can talk to us. But we do, for better or worse. How do we expect to be on the same playing field mentally, when allow ourselves to be their pawns emotionally?

"Since everything is in our heads, we'd better not lose them." - Coco Chanel

Current Mood: groggy